Hindsight is 20/20: Looking at Ed in the Rearview Mirror – by a Reasons Alum

Hindsight truly is 20/20. When I reflect back on my struggle through an eating disorder, the eating disorder felt like an abusive relationship. “Ed” never left me alone and never stepped away. Ed was always there – in the bathroom, the dining room, the kitchen, classrooms and work. Ed followed when I hung out with friends, played games, and even when I went shopping. I was never truly alone. I lost sight of what life looked like outside of this relationship.

Eventually, and with a lot of courage, I gave myself a chance to revisit the world outside of this relationship. I went to treatment, and it opened my eyes. Treatment helped me see that I deserved so much more than my life inside the eating disorder. The eating disorder only provided me a false sense of safety. Treatment and recovery offered me a glimpse of true self love. Today, I am proud to say that I have officially divorced my eating disorder. And as a result, I have become so much stronger.

Ed was life as I knew it, but hindsight is 20/20, and now I see that it was not life as I deserved it.  As I look over my shoulders, it pains me to remember those days that I loved Ed, and I empathize with those who still struggle to leave that relationship.

I know that I made the right decision to leave. Now I am happy, and now my body is finally happy, too. Now, without Ed, I see that my body deserves to have its requests filled. My body asks me, and I respond lovingly, thanking my body for not giving up on me, thanking my body for fully supporting me.

Through treatment and through recovery, I came to understand that, all along, my body was always there, trying to help me, to protect me, and to keep me safe. Today, with the benefit of hindsight, I’m embracing my body, and letting my body help me be the truest expression of my self.

 

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